PSA: Everything is Fine in South Korea, Mom

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Even the kids think he's a jerk. Before you scream propaganda forced upon the youth of the South, take a look at this jazz. We've come a long way baby.

Editor’s note: This article has previously appeared on Douglas’s website–http://twokilosofbread.com/– To enjoy more of Douglas’s writing please have a look at his site.

And that includes your mom. Mmm, mmm.

As none of you may know, I live in Seoul. Sweet, blessed, soul-sucking Seoul. A city of four distinct seasons: cold, colder, fucking hot and humid, and bleak. If you’re not getting a refreshing elbow to the groin from a 3ft tall stereotype, then you could be sampling any one of the twos of activities the city has to offer, from before-noon-drunkery (now an Olympic sport!) to the 3am stumble derby, the winner of which gets to bask in the admiration of all of the excited-and-not-in-any-way-wanting-to-sleep inhabitants within a one block radius of the 7-11 you’re walking into all the time.

And we’re doing fine. Just fine.

Don’t believe me? Let me break it down for you in a way that is insulting but thinly veiled by an attempt at humour.

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North Korea is the white bit on the upper left. Seoul is at the lower right, which is south of the border, because it is in South Korea. South. (I really do get asked this a lot.) As you can see, I live about 44km from the closest part of North Korea. Fun times! I can almost smell Fatty 3 from my house.

He had boshin bacon for breakfast.

Now, you’re looking at this and thinking, “Gee willikers, you must be some scared!” Because, well, it’s 44km from my house to the most bat shit crazy brutal dictatorship seen this side of the Urals.

But really, let’s look at the track record.

Successful missile launches: 1? Did the one that crashed on the way to Australia count?

Successful nuclear tests: 1. Supposedly they did three tests, but the first was a failure, and the third had no radiation signature.

Number of times sabres have been rattled: Once a week for the last 50 years?

Number of battles since the Korean war: 0.

Number of invasions since the Korean war: 0.

Bubkis. A few shells on a small island and a ship aside. You’d think they would have made it the 30km to the edge of Seoul by now if they could have. They’re not coming people.

That’s not to say that no one in Korea cares. They’re not scared, or anxious at all. They’re annoyed. Deeply, deeply annoyed. As annoyed as you can be without going on killing spree. And you wonder why Koreans are quick to anger and are surly all the time. They’ve been dealing with this their entire lives, and the local alcohol manufacturers are taking advantage.

But I digress. The point I’m trying to make is that this happens all the time, and in the end, the world gives them what they want and they go back into hiding for another 6 months. It’s a bit more intense now because Fatty 3 has a lot to prove. If he looks weak now, his generals will most likely skin him alive and wear his balls as a hat. He’s gotta be large and in charge. In the end though, they don’t have the resources to take on South Korea, the US, Japan and probably China and Russia if they needed to. While people are expendable in the North, wealth and position aren’t.

And Fatty knows it.

I leave you with the latest offerings from the youth of the city. This particular piece shows the stark interplay between missiled and non-missiled characters.

Even the kids think he's a jerk. Before you scream propaganda forced upon the youth of the South, take a look at this jazz. We've come a long way baby.
Even the kids think he’s a jerk.
Before you scream propaganda forced upon the youth of the South, take a look at this jazz. We’ve come a long way baby.

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