Gather ’round children so I can tell you about the one time I went to Pattaya, Thailand.
As I have mentioned before, living in Korea as an expat can get to you, big time. I found myself going a bit bonkers with it all and abruptly asked my bosses at the newspaper I was working at to give a week’s worth of RnR. They surprisingly said yes and I knew exactly where I wanted to go: Thailand.
I had heard some great things about Thailand and was interested in experiencing it first hand. Once I got on the ground, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: go to the beach!
As usual, I had, like, no money so I wanted to go to the cheapest beach nearby that I could. I soon discovered the closest beach to Bangkok that I might be interested in was a little old place called Pattaya.
I heard through the rumor mill that it was kinda dodgy, but I really wanted to go to the beach so I said screw it and went anyway.
After doing a little bit of trains-planes-and-motorbikes travel I found myself on the outskirts of the city. And weirdness started right away, with a person walking up to me saying they were doing a “survey” with the opportunity of cash prizes if I answered. My BS counter went off like crazy so I just walked on by.
I found a cheap place to stay and made a bee-line to the beach.
What should I see within moments but two beautiful women all but naked on the beach. “Now, this is the life,” I thought to myself as I settled down for the show.
Then it happened. There was a big bunch of swarthy dudes in Speedos hanging out beneath some nearby trees, going crazy at what was going on. One of them finally got the courage up to talk to one of these near-naked ladies and I said to myself, “To hell with it, let me try.”
So I found myself thinking of Allen Funt and Candid Camera: What do you say to a naked lady?
I said, “Would you like a drink?”
She said, “Orange juice. Only.”
So I bought her an orange juice and started to chat her up.
She and her friend were from Ukraine. It didn’t take too long for me to notice that my new near-naked lady friend was starting to get anxious. The other guy talking to her friend was from Abu Dabi or something and he made it quite obvious that he had some of that Arab money in his wallet, if you get my drift.
I’m just a broke writer so I had no intention of paying for the services of either one of these beautiful ladies, but I did on a lark see how far I could get just being me. I got surprisingly far.
But the jig was up soon enough.
“I have to go,” she said abruptly.
She lingered a bit longer than I had expected, but she headed into the water with her friend, followed by the guy from Abu Dabi.
I could almost hear the sound from Jaws as Abu Dabi dude talked first with one, then the other of the young ladies.
The deal was done.
The three of them left together for parts unknown.
Feeling a bit forlorn, I bought myself some Tiger Beer and proceeded to get wasted.
I only spent one night one night in Pattaya, but the place gave me some serious heebeejeebees. At night, it’s like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. There was a darkness of spirit there that I was shocked existed. Something deep, dark and ancient floats around there and it’s not somewhere I would want to hang out on a regular basis.
I was so freaked out that I bolted from Pattaya early the next morning, thankful I wasn’t smited just for being there.