An Honest Résumé

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eslindustryI’ve been on the ESL circuit in Korea for some time now. I’m a tad embarrassed to admit that my time in the so-called “Land of the Morning Calm” stretches way back to the good old days of 2005. Back then, I were a lad with world shattering plans. Well now it seems, I’m just another shitty old lifer.

Though, to be fair, I do quite like living South Korea. The life is easy here; things are cheap, traveling’s fun, the food is great for the most part, I’ve a good selection of friends and beautiful women are bountiful. Things would be perfect if it weren’t for the laborious task of teaching every weekday. Well, if teaching is the career you want to pursue, kudos to you my friend! I just sort fell into it.

Anyways, I’ve recently been hired for a job I’m dangerously under qualified to perform. I occasionally pull the finger out and produce some decent lessons, but on the whole… I’m a shit teacher. The only reasons that I can see, for my being hired is due to my excellent ability to simultaneously speak in English and be a westerner. It sure as shit wasn’t based on my vast amounts of experience and industry backed qualifications! Perhaps it was to do with my résumé, then.

If my employers had read between the lines, they’d have seen me for the fraud I am. Here’s the résumé I would have presented to my trusting employers in an honest world:

Oskar Wylde

Profile

For the past 3 years I’ve basically pretended to be an English teacher. I never actually attended any real teacher training, per se; apart from a dodgy weekend TEFL course a few years ago. I’d like to say that in despite of any meaningful qualifications, my many years in the classroom have honed some useful teaching skills. But that would be a complete fabrication, I’m afraid.

To be fair I don’t much enjoy teaching. I can’t spell, don’t really understand grammar and nor can I explain anything with any clarity. I don’t even like working with children, seeing as I can’t control them at all. However I do really like the easy lifestyle, minimal working hours, lack of preparation needed for class, the cheap food and booze, Korean culture to a certain extent, and of course, the many beautiful ladies.

So basically, I’m looking for employment with minimal working hours and maximum pay.

Working Experience

Glorified babysitter, Jeong Il Afterschool, Someplace, Oct 2011 ~ Oct 2012

I currently “work” at a just-for-profit private school. My overbearing manager has thwarted any attempts of mine to actually make lessons fun – she believes the parents will complain if their students seem to be enjoying themselves. Therefore in order to please her, I make my lesson as dull as possible, never deviate from the book and desperately pray the students won’t fuck me about. So, to describe my students as bored would be quite the understatement. I don’t actually mind being the only foreign teacher at the school. I wouldn’t mind some co-teachers that at least pretended to give the smallest of shits about my classes, my situation and me. My students are aged from 5 to 15 and classes drag on for 50 relentless minutes. Teaching the young kids is great fun but always titers on the brink of bedlam. Conversely my middle school students make me wish my mother had me aborted.

ESL Clown, Yang Nom Middle School, Can’t Remember, Aug 08~Aug 09

This was actually an immensely fun job at a very large public school. I’d waltz into class and just arse about for 50 minutes. It was the closest I’ll ever come to being a standup comedian. The students enjoyed my classes and even used English! Problem was, there were around 40 kids in each classroom, so I had absolutely no idea if any of the students had actually learnt a thing. I very much doubt they did. The textbooks were awful; the language and phrases were outdated and unnatural. Yet, pratting about in front of class and being the most popular teacher in school was awesome. I’d very much like a job like this again.

English Buffoon, Chakra English Don’t remind me, May 05~May 06

My first teaching job straight after university, and wow, what a shock to the system this was. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and most classes were complete chaos. The whole school was basically run by a weird yoga cult, and so exercising and a bizarre ritual was part of each class. There were no chairs in the room and the kids took it upon themselves to get up and charge around. Oh, what fun it was shouting at the little shits as they ran about, stole my possessions, twatted each other on the head and generally took years off my life! On the odd occasion that I actually got the despicable little brats to sit down, the books were so terrible that I resorted to 50 minutes of hangman, Pictionary, crosswords and other such un-educational activities. The schools perpetual financial difficulties left a constant fear of sudden unemployment in the teachers’ room. This, coupled with the efforts of my colleagues and managers to sign me up to their ludicrous cult, was infuriating. I very much enjoyed this first year in Korea, but I dreaded each and every workday.

Other work experience

None of my previous jobs relate to teaching in any way whatsoever. I could use this space at the end of the page to waffle on how they did, but I’ve already written a shitload and can’t be arsed writing anymore.

Education

Some Dodgy Internet TEFL Qualification

This was a huge waste of time and cost me quite a lot of money. I actually went to a seminar for a day and listened to some dour woman harper on for what seemed liked days. I can’t say I learnt anything I didn’t know before. To be honest the only reason I attended this course was to get something to stick on this here Résumé.

University of Abraham — BA in Fuckin’ about

Three awesome years spent drinking, chasing women, playing the guitar, listening to music, eating fat-bastard food and generally despising work of any kind. Living in Korea has allowed me to perpetuate this lifestyle.

Skills

* Lazy

* Incompetent

* Occasionally able to fake an interest in my students

* Completely inflexible

* Tardy

* Can just about spell most words

* Expertly hide a hangover

* Insubordinate

* Passive aggressive

*Forgetful

Personal hobbies and interest

My hobbies are, but not limited to: binge drinking, watching (but not playing!) sports, videogames, masturbating, picking my nose when no one’s looking, scratching my arse, reading when on the toilet, perving at hot chicks and swearing profusely. You know, the usual really; nothing too productive or requiring any sort of real commitment.

Hire me today!

Fake references available upon request

Image from here

4 COMMENTS

  1. Self-depreciation is funny… but this is an insult to every foreign teacher in Korea. Some of us are actually qualified, do enjoy it, and aren't just here to extend our adolescence. At the very least don't write about it like this. You're just inviting the minjok to further discriminate against us. Respect yourself and your job and if you can't do either then just accept the fact that your shit attitude is the reason your life sucks.

    • Oh, piss off. Who are you to tell him what to do? He is only writing about himself, and he sounds quite satisfied with his life. Again, who are you to tell him that his life sucks? Judging by your reaction, the author has hit a sore spot with you. Hope you sort out *your* sucky life!

    • Yeah, the important word in your diatribe is "some". We know the TEFL industry is barely regulated at all, and you get monkeys in every job, not just ours in Korea. The guy's a dancing monkey and he's just letting everyone know. No need to get your knickers in a twist.

  2. I read this as satire and pretty funny when seen that way. It's not marked as such in any way, though, and I think anyone reading this as straight journalism would be misleading themselves. There are people who exist who are precisely as described above – are they typical? Meh, I don't think so. It's the picture of NETs that you get if you only hang out in Itaewon and HBC. There are plenty who don't look anything like this.

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